


the childhood i lost, replaced by fear

by pinuspinea



Series: Swan Lake remixes [3]
Category: Swan Lake & Related Fandoms, Лебединое озеро - Чайковский | Swan Lake - Tchaikovsky
Genre: F/M, Fairy Tale Retellings, Falling In Love, Gen, Growing Up, Loss of Innocence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25398139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinuspinea/pseuds/pinuspinea
Summary: When she is a child, she imagines how wonderful her life will turn out. When she grows up, she wishes everything was like it used to be.Snapshots of Odile.
Relationships: Odette & Odile, Odette/Prints Siegfried | Prince Siegfried, Odette/Von Rothbart, Odile & Swan Maidens, Odile & Von Rothbart, Odile/Prints Siegfried | Prince Siegfried
Series: Swan Lake remixes [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1824241
Comments: 8
Kudos: 15





	the childhood i lost, replaced by fear

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Her_Madjesty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Her_Madjesty/gifts), [perennial](https://archiveofourown.org/users/perennial/gifts).



> For Her_Madjesty and perennial. May this work provide you with a more complete Odile than the stagings usually do.

"Papa?"

"Yes, darling?"

Odile studies her papa seriously. He puts a bookmark in between the beautifully decorated pages, seemingly sensing that this is a conversation Odile will not let go quickly. Odile climbs into her papa's lap and studies his face with uncharacteristic carefulness.

"Why doesn't mama live inside with us?" Odile asks.

Her papa brushes her hair away from her face and looks suddenly his age. Odile pulls into a hug and cuddles against his body like her mother once cuddled against his body, and von Rothbart wishes there were simpler answers for this question. He knew that this day might come, but he never expected it to arrive so soon. Odile is still so young, not yet quite old enough to read by herself and still requiring him to sing and kiss her to sleep.

"Remember how in your stories some families are strange?" he probes gently, wondering if this is the right way to tell Odile about this.

His daughter hums thoughtfully. He takes in a breath.

"Cinderella doesn't have a father or a mother, but a step-mother," Odile declares thoughtfully. "And Hansel and Gretel have a mama and a papa, but they take the kids to the forest even so."

Odile looks up at him after saying this. Von Rothbart gently smiles at his daughter.

"We're like one of those families in your stories," he murmurs gently. "Papa lives in a house because he is a human and mama lives on the lake because sometimes, she is a swan."

Von Rothbart sings to his daughter after that and wraps her in blankets and kisses her brow and then, he extinguishes the candle and leaves the room.

Odile sleeps in her bed, not realising until years later that her father tried to be kind about the truth.

* * *

Some nights, Odile has bad dreams filled with black feathers and of her mama remaining a swan, or forest creatures that stalk the shores of the lake and pick up swans one at a time. Usually, her papa is there, ready to hold her and talk with her and wipe away her tears, but this time, papa is nowhere. Odile sneaks through the house, clutching her doll tightly against her chest, and looks for papa in every room, but he is nowhere.

Odile ends up in the parlour and looks out towards the lake, and without thinking about it, she clumsily opens the door and steps outside. The night is cool and dark, but Odile wants her papa.

Her quiet voice pierces the night. She walks towards the lake, and the swan maidens appear from their hiding places. One of them pulls her up into her arms, another brushes her hair gently, yet another one wipes away her tears. Odile sniffles against the swan maiden holding her.

"I want my papa," she murmurs sleepily.

_Your father and mother aren't here right now, but we are_ , the swan maidens' actions tell her, and they carry her back into the house. Odile thinks she sees something glittering on the other shore of the lake, but the swan maidens are determined. They settle her back into her bed and wrap her in her blankets, and they all sit with her, some on her bed and some on the floor.

They whisper to her stories Odile has only heard parts of from her mama and sing songs she has never heard before, and she falls asleep surrounded by their love.

The swan maidens leave the room quietly and find von Rothbart who is frantically approaching the house. He stops still when he sees the swan maidens. Their queen is not far behind.

They bow their heads in respect and allow their queen and her consort passage and then, they leave the house.

Odile blinks sleepily when she feels her mother's hand caressing her cheek. She looks up at papa and smiles and soon enough, she's asleep again.

Odette and von Rothbart stay with her until morning is just about to arrive. Only then do they wake her up. From her father's arms, Odile sees for the first time how her mama greets the morning and then turns around and coos at Odile, and that is the moment Odile decides she wants to be a swan just like mama.

* * *

The lake seems much more beautiful with swan eyes than with human eyes. Odile gladly swims after her mother and spreads her wings, fails and fails again until she learns how to fly, but there are still things she cannot understand.

One afternoon, when papa is busy acting like he isn't watching Odile and her mama all the time, Odile swims across the water, changes her form in the shallow shore waters and then walks over to her papa. She sits down next to him and looks at him expectantly.

"Why does mama always play a swan when there are other games as well?" she asks curiously. Papa looks in mama's direction and smiles, but Odile is starting to get old enough to see that there is a hint of sadness in his smile.

"For her it is not a game but a necessity, darling," papa tells her. Odile studies her mother as well. "Let's wait for sunset, and then we'll explain."

And so they stay on the shore and wait for Odette's transformation, and once her mother has hugged her with her arms and kissed her with her lips, her parents share a look with one another. Papa tells of magic that can sometimes be difficult to control, that can be difficult to undo, and mama sits there in silence and cuddles with Odile.

Odile wonders what mama would say about the spell, but in the middle of papa's explanation, she yawns and her parents frisk her to bed. That night, both tell her stories and both kiss her goodnight, and then, they leave her in her bed.

Odile spies through the curtains how they walk into the deep, dark forest, their heads bent closely together, and she knows that they must be once again whispering something to one another. She looks seriously at her doll.

"I bet I could help mama with the spell," she says determinedly.

In the morning, all memories of the spell are faded with the afterimages of her dreams.

* * *

Papa is typically very animated when teaching Odile, but now, there is a sad little look upon his face. Odile catches it in between translating the work papa has given her, and she stops to look at him properly.

"It's just odd to see you be so different than your mother, darling," he tells her when she asks about it. Odile cocks her head and thinks about it.

"Mama and I are pretty similar," she eventually declares. Papa nods and smiles a little.

"And yet you are so very different," he says, "but that is a good thing, Odile. You are destined for a different type of life than your mother."

Odile smiles and returns to her work, pleased to hear that papa isn't too sad about it.

* * *

Her childhood is marked by the large house and the deep lake that is surrounded on every side by thick, wild woods. Her playmates are the swan maidens, her mother there during the nights, her father during the days. Her life is magical and wonderful. There are always new things to learn from either papa's thick tomes or mama's quiet words, so many wonderful things that could never be anything less than the best.

Odile still wonders what lies outside the borders of the forest, what adventures might await her there. Papa will occasionally talk to her about a village not too far away, a village with so many people and even a castle nearby, and Odile listens to his tales with bright eyes, but her mama's stories are much more intriguing, for mama speaks not of the outside world, but of secrets hidden underneath the forest canopy. Mama tells her stories of a village long since abandoned, of people that have been almost forgotten, of times that are gone by, and Odile listens with rapt attention, enchanted by such tales of normalcy and a lake that is much different to the one she knows.

She still wishes she could see what lies outside her father's realm.

* * *

Her childhood fades slowly, noted by the people around her but not commented upon. Odile becomes more serious when she grows older, more determined. Her parents guide her to two different paths, yet neither feels like the one she should walk on for the rest of her life, and that is why Odile decides she will simply have to find a path of her own.

One afternoon, when pale fog hugs the surface of the lake like swans gliding above the water, Odile sits down on an old stone bench in the garden and looks over the lake in reverence. She wonders why her dresses are all black and the ribbons in her dark hair never have colour in them, and she wonders what must have happened to make papa and mama both so sad.

That is where her father finds her, lost deep in her thoughts while clutching the hem of her silk dress. She studies the ruffles and the immaculate fabric, the careful stitches that are all of equal length. Papa sits down next to her and looks at the hem of her dress as well.

"Is there something wrong with your dress, Odile?" he asks with slight curiosity colouring his tone. Odile looks up to her father.

"Why do we always dress like we're in mourning?" she responds. Papa blinks and looks over to the lake. His eyes seem to find something in the fog, and soon they both see as the swan queen glides in and out of the whiteness.

"Do you know what I have told the others to protect you and your mother?" her father asks suddenly. Odile looks up and studies his face. His eyes are still towards the swan queen. "They all think your mother is severely ill and that is why we dress so sombrely. If anyone was to come here, you would need to look the part."

Odile thinks about those few visitors they have had. None remained for long, and most looked at her with pitying eyes. Now she understands why.

"So as long as mama remains a swan…"

There is something in his eyes that Odile cannot quite understand, but something in it is far too familiar. She realises she has often seen her father look at her mother like that.

"Isn't there anything to break her spell?" Odile tries. She has wondered about it before, but has never dared to ask it outright. Her father sighs and looks at Odile.

"Your mother knows how to break the spell, darling," he tells her in a resigned voice. "Odette has been a swan for so long that she is afraid of becoming fully human again."

"Even if I asked her?" Odile bites her lip. Her father gives her a stern look.

"She must make that decision out of her own will, Odile," her father reprimands her gently. "Your mother loves you more than anything else in the world, but you mustn't use it against her. Odette must be the one to decide to break her spell, and then we can finally live like the others."

Odile thinks about what that might mean. She thinks about attending dinner parties and balls, having other friends than the swan maidens, perhaps even meeting nice young men and laughing with them. She thinks about the stories she has read in her books, thinks about the hints of life she has gained from such small morsels, and she wishes her mother would break the spell so she could finally start her life.

Yet she knows there is something her father doesn't say, something stopping her mother from breaking the spell other than simple fear, something more sinister and looming than simply the thought of continuing life as a human.

* * *

Her mother takes her across the lake and together, they study the ruins of a village her mother once called her home. Odile has a hard time imagining what it must have looked like, once upon a time, and it's even more difficult to see the building so near the river.

"What was this?" she asks, peeking over into the river water. She can barely make out some vague shapes in the depths. Her mother looks there as well.

"This was the mill," she tells in her quiet voice.

Odile looks at her mother. Odette looks sad, sadder than in a long time, and there is a hint of longing in her eyes.

"Was this the mill your father owned?" Odile asks curiously. Her mother looks up sharply, surprise blatant in her eyes. "Papa said that you were a miller's daughter once when I asked where you both were from."

"A long time ago," Odette speaks softly. "A very long time ago indeed."

Odile feels her mother's touch, light as feather, across her back.

"You're getting so big already," her mother says. Odile wonders why she sounds so sad when she says it.

* * *

More and more often they clash. Odile wants to know about life outside, and even though her father sometimes hesitatingly takes her for short trips to the village, it is and never can be enough.

Odile longs for new things. No longer can the swan maidens satisfy her need for companionship. They try their best, but they always remain slightly unaware of what Odile needs, too limited by her father's need to please her mother.

Sometimes, her parents will share a knowing look when they see their daughter roaming the shores in her dark dress. They will watch from afar as Odile wanders like her mother used to wander years before her, and they will meet each other's eyes.

"Is it wrong that I want to keep her as a child still?" Odette asks, uncertain whether such a question can be allowed. Von Rothbart sighs darkly and sees as Odile stops and kicks a pebble into the lake, dark and moody and longing for what she still doesn't quite understand.

"I think it's time we let her grow up," he allows eventually.

Their eyes follow Odile as she makes her way across the garden into the tall house and disappears inside.

* * *

One night, her parents surprise her and tell her that early the following morning, Odette will take her to the village where Odile will be able to spend the whole day all by herself. Odile squees in happiness and hugs them both, and then she makes her way into her room and starts gathering a list of the things she wants to do the next day.

Shortly after sunrise, her father comes to wake her up. Odile rushes through a hasty breakfast and dresses the quickest she has ever dressed, and then, she rushes outside. Her mother is already waiting for her in her winged form. Odile spreads her hands wide open and lets magic turn her fingers into feathers.

There is nothing to stop their travel. The skies are clear and the sun gentle as they fly high above the forest all the way to the village, and then, they carefully land on a pond reminiscent but much smaller than the lake by their house. Odile makes her way to the shore and glances around to make sure no one is paying attention, and then, she soon stands tall in her human form.

Her mother keeps watch for most of the day, of course she does, but Odile doesn't let it bother her too much. She enjoys meeting the villagers and speaking freely with them, mingling around in the crowd, and studying the produce in the market. She gossips and drinks fruity wine with a group in the tavern, and there she hears about the incoming ball.

Odile is excited by their tales of a prince and all the foreign guests that will attend the ball, and she nearly dances her way over to a man with a carriage as she pays him to take her back home. All through the journey, Odile nearly bounces in her seat, barely able to restrain herself from talking the kind man's ear off, and she thanks him profusely before running to their home.

Her father is nowhere to be seen. Odile glances to the shore and sees only a flock of feathers, and then she glances at the grandfather clock. She's surprised how late it is, and suddenly, exhaustion washes over her. The day has been so long, and she has done so much, and suddenly, the thought of sleep is too alluring to ignore. Odile makes her way to her bedroom, and she takes out the prettiest dress she owns.

With a wistful smile, she hangs it on her wardrobe door and imagines it even prettier. Her hand moves softly over the fabric, and soon, it is decorated with a thousand dark beads and elaborate lace in black and a form that is coy yet still enchanting, and she looks at it until she falls asleep, her dreams filled with dancing and twirling and all those people she met today as well as others as kind as them.

* * *

Morning has long since arrived when Odile finally wakes up. She stretches lazily, then catches sight of the dress she imagined and hung up. Her veins are filled with eagerness as she heads towards the kitchen in hopes of catching her father.

He is there, but gloom and misery shadow his face. Odile hesitates at the door, but he seems to sense her waiting there as he sighs and looks in her direction.

Her father doesn't speak about what has disturbed him so greatly, and Odile hesitates, but eventually, he manages to pry that Odile has heard about the ball. Her father looks out of the window, always towards the lake, and looks deep in thought.

"I think you should attend the ball," her father murmurs, though there is no joy in the words. He looks calculating and cold, very unlike the man Odile has known her whole life. "I think that will do us both some good."

Odile wonders just what that is supposed to mean as her father heads into his rooms for some rest.

* * *

Her father comes to her a few moments before sunset and helps to make her dress even more stunning. Odile twirls around and studies herself in the mirror, too distracted by her own image to even consider why her mother's pale face stares back in her human form, why she refuses to meet her eyes. Her father helps her into delicate yet striking rubies and Odile looks happily at herself. She almost looks like her mother, just in different colours. There's not much to differentiate them like this, and Odile likes how – even though her mother cannot join them – she will be a part of the ball.

"Odile, I want you to charm them. I want them all to adore you, and most of all, I want the prince to not see anyone but you," her father says. Odile laughs at that notion, too excited for her first ball.

"I doubt no one else can gather eyes as well as I do while wearing this dress and these jewels," she says appreciatingly. Her father puts a hand on her shoulder and meets her eyes in the mirror.

"Perhaps the prince will even fall in love with you," he notes. Odile blinks in surprise, but is intrigued by the idea. Her first ball, and a prince who is looking for a wife? It almost sounds like one of the tales her father has told her.

Odile tries to say goodbye to her mother, but she refuses to look in their direction. Her face is too pale, her eyes distraught, her hands shaking violently. Odile worries at the sight, but her father quickly pulls her away mere moments after sunset. He goes to her mother and whispers something to her harshly, and then they go outside and spread their wings and fly on the wide, open sky.

* * *

The castle is so beautiful and decorated with the finest artworks and most beautiful flowers. When they enter the ballroom, everyone looks at them, and everyone admires her. She and her father settle among the guests, and Odile charms and laughs coyly and looks across the room at the prince who barely even looks at any of the foreign princesses.

Odile's eyes are wide with wonder and excitement as the handsome prince asks her for a dance, and she accepts with giddiness. He holds her in a warm embrace and dances with her across the room, and Odile meets her father's eyes. They look back at her in acceptance, and so Odile smiles and lets the dance continue on and on and on.

The prince is handsome like all the princes in the fairy tales her father has told her, and he has a kind face and admiration in his eyes that look at her in uncovered want. Odile dances in his arms and then, the dance comes to a stop.

The prince loudly proclaims that he has found his true love. A nervous laughter leaves Odile's mouth, and her eyes search for her father. He is not far. The moment the prince starts reciting this vow of true love, her father breaks from the crowd and starts making his way towards them.

Odile is still in disbelief that the prince would declare his love based on just one dance and not even a full conversation when her father hisses angry words at the boy.

"You fool. Can you not even tell apart a mother from her daughter, a queen from a magician?"

Her father grasps her arm hard enough to bruise and drags her away, and Odile wonders where it all went to horribly wrong.

* * *

They arrive home far too soon. Odile is confused and hurt and oh so numb as she follows her father inside, her feet hurting inside slippers that barely even show any sign of use. Her mother is openly weeping in front of a mirror, and Odile buries her head against her mother's chest, desperate for comfort and understanding.

"You needed to see it for what it was," her father tells her mother, but Odile feels like his words are as important to her as they are to Odette. "He fell in love with a dream, not what you truly are."

And that is the problem, isn't it? The prince fell in love with a pretty girl that he didn't even bother to ask the name of, and Odile never thought of what might happen if fairy tales became real. She closes her eyes in hurt and wishes her tears away, holds them back as her mother clutches at her. They hold onto each other because there is nothing else to hold onto. Her father watches them mutely.

There is a noise outside. Her father steps quickly to the patio doors and stares towards the lake. Odile looks in numbness at his back.

She hears the prince calling for a name that isn't hers, but her mother's.

Odile stares into the moonlit night as the swan maidens play with the prince. Her father says something to her mother, and suddenly, she loses everything that distinguishes her from the swan maidens. Odile's tired eyes track her mother as she hesitantly steps among the flock, as she heads towards the prince, as the prince fails to recognise the woman whose name he called out just moments earlier.

Odile's feet draw her towards the shore. She barely even feels the magic her father weaves over her, and in her haze, she fails to recognise what he has done. Odile walks towards the prince, her hand raised in a half greeting, and the prince heads towards her.

But it isn't real, it can never be real. The prince does not want her but her mother, the prince does not see Odile but Odette in the face before him, and hurt and anger gather in her heart and block her throat.

The swan maidens still run around them, forming a tight circle around them. The prince's hands are clutching now at what isn't his and what never should have been clutched at by crude hands, and Odile is sick and tired of fairy tales.

_He will not steal you away_ , the feathers of her swan maidens whisper to Odile. _We will protect you, our Odile, our queen_.

Odile knows what will happen before it happens, and she turns her eyes away. The swan maidens grab the prince in a tight hold and pull him away from her so that the memory of his hands on her skin is only a ghost anymore. He yells and fights against the swan maidens, and he calls for Odette's name. The spells end. Mother and daughter stand on the shore, both broken-hearted and hurt, both feeling the bitterness of betrayal gracing their lips.

Her father looks at the dark waters until they still, and then he looks at her mother, but never at Odile.

"Do you see now?" he whispers and kisses Odette's knuckles. Neither sees the cold that spreads into Odile's body, the tears that do not fall, the empty stare that searches for a prince that should come to the surface any second now.

He doesn't come back. Odile's hands shake.

"Do you understand now?"

Odile now understands she is nothing but an afterthought to either of them. She looks at her father and her mother, how she presses against him, sorting through the facts with a mind that feels nothing like her own.

"Please," her mother murmurs. "Please."

Her father has a ring. Odile finally understands.

This is how her mother's spell is broken.

She looks at the lake and wants her childhood back.

* * *

Odile gains everything she has ever wanted but pays for it with all the dreams and wishes born from a child's heart. Sometimes, she walks around the house and sees how suddenly the rooms are filled with air, how light reflects from every surface, how loneliness is gone in a rush of people, and she feels lonelier than ever before. Not even the swan maidens she created in the image of those she lost help her forget the price she must pay for everything she ever wanted for.

She knows how to smile and she knows how to charm, but she performs the steps like a dancer that knows the role too well. Her mind isn't engaged in any of it. All the dinner parties and balls feel nothing compared to the prince's ball, and Odile thinks nothing ever will again make her feel so full of life. Sometimes she thinks everyone can see in her how she didn't stop the swan maidens, sometimes she thinks they sense she is a murderess, but the prince's death is blamed on delusions and a broken mind that made him drown himself.

There are so many things she could have done, so many things she should have done, and at night, those thoughts haunt her until her swan maidens manage to lull her into a restless sleep.

Her father is too blinded by their new life to notice how even he isn't happy, and her mother is too broken-hearted to think twice about the hurt their daughter feels. Odile cannot find it in herself to blame either. Her father has wanted to have her mother for such a long time, and her mother is too broken by her sorrow for the prince. Neither sees how Odile mourns a boy who danced with her and smiled with such kindness and who she could have fallen in love with one day in the distant future when she would be ready for such things.

And so, Odile carefully locks her heart away and keeps up a happy smile while aching and fearing what other vows of true love will mean to her.


End file.
